10. Licensing a calendar
9. Playing with little figurines
8. Watching football
7. Attending fantasy conventions
6. Attending Bruce Springsteen concerts. Boy, is he tired!
5. "Cavorting."
***
Sub-Blog of Tens: Ten Fantasy Writers with a Stronger Work Ethic that Martin:
(10) Brandon Sanderson: as good as Jordan, with less braid-tugging and crossing-arms-under-the-breasts
(9) Robert Jordan: the guy was writing notes on his death bed
(8) Steven Erickson: twice the number of books as Martin in 66% of the time
(7) Robin Hobb
(6) Stephen King: Jesus, I actually wanted him to slow down toward the end of the "Dark Tower" series
(5) Terry Goodkind: too bad his books suck, but you can't fault him on the page count
(4) Mark Anthony: six books in six years. They were middling, but at least we didn't have to wait
(3) John Marco: sticks to trilogies, finishes them in a couple of years
(2) David Farland: Hasn't left us wanting more. Quite the opposite.
(1) J.D. Salinger: At least had the decency to become a hermit when he was done writing
***
4. Signing books. You know--the ones he wrote in a previous century.
3. Working out a TV deal. Let's hope they don't plan on more than four seasons!
2. Being a wuss.
1. Rubbing his fans' noses in the fact he can't seem to publish more than one book every six years.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
10 Stupid Lines from the "Lord of the Rings" Movies
Note: I didn't read the book--at least, not past the first 25 pages. I thought it was awful. Don't bother commenting that the book makes these lines less stupid, because the movies have to stand on their own.
1. BOROMIR: "Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him." Throughout the movie, Boromir wants to steal the ring. In the next one, Faramir nearly takes it. Why do these lummoxes from Gondor have this delusion that the "one ring" is actually going to do them any good if they take it? How do they intend to use it? Become invisible and sneak behind enemy lines to determine their "plan?"
"Sir, the spy has returned!"
"What news?"
"The enemy is on the move!"
"What is their secret plan?"
"They intend to pour hordes of orcs, goblins, and trolls into a direct frontal assault."
"My God, it's diabolical!"
But it certainly is a movie I'd like to see: a scout tries to sneak around Mordor invisible while a big flaming eye chases him, growling "I...see...you."
2. GIMLI: "You have my axe!" Is there anyone who saw this movie who did no immediately do a "Mystery Science Theater" on this line? "I mean...uh...that is to say...my other axe. The one I didn't just shatter to pieces. It's...uh...back in my tent."
3. PIPPIN: "We're coming, too!" No one questions this decision. Sure, we're on a top secret mission with a difficult journey and lots of fighting ahead of us. Let's bring two untrained hobbits who thusfar have served no purpose except to light a beacon fire so that the Ringwraiths could find us and to complain about "second breakfast." They'll get in everyone's way, make noise at the wrong times, get kidnapped, and force us to launch a rescue. It'll be great!
4. GANDALF: "Let the ring-bearer decide." So let's get this straight. Gandalf is refusing to go through the Mines of Moria because he knows the dwarves awoke a Balrog and got slaughtered, but instead of sharing this useful information, he simply leaves the decision to the clueless Frodo. Nice friend.
5. NAMELESS ORC: "Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!" I guess we don't see a certain side of orcs--the side where they dine in restaurants and know what a "menu" is. Apparently, when they're not stomping across the countryside, growling and kidnapping hobbits, orcs pop over ot the nearest Morton's and order up a nice t-bone.
Sub-blog of 10s: Things that Never Made Sense to Me about Orcs:
6. GIMLI: "Fangorn! What madness drove them in there?" Oh, I don't know. Maybe orcs trying to eat them? Maybe this big massacre going on behind them? It's just a guess.
7. ARAGORN: "Let him go. Enough blood has been spilled on his account." It's nice that Aragorn wants to be merciful and all, but "let him go?" So he can run right back to Sauron and give up intelligence on Rohan's defenses? Could you at least throw him in the dungeon or something?
8. GANDALF: "He has no power any more." This is his justification for letting Sauron live. Did I miss the part where they explained Sauron's power comes from a furace in the basement of Isengard, and the ents doused it? Why doesn't he have any power any more? Isn't he ridiculously dangerous and evil? And how did the orb thingy get to the base of the tower in the water, anyway?
9. ARAGORN: "The beacons are lit!" Two points: 1) Aragorn turns into a total spaz here. I love the way he throws down his soup and runs like a girl with his arms flapping. 2) Apparently, they don't have a "cancel" signal, because all Denelor can do is curse. Here's something Mordor should have thought of: infiltrate one of the beacons in the middle of the chain, kill the guards, and light it. Three days later, when Gondor is riding to Rohan's aid and Rohan is riding to Gondor's, you can sack both kingdoms.
10. EOWYN: "I am no man!" The prophecy was that literal? When it said "no man" could kill the Witch King, it literally meant a "man"? So a hobbit could have killed him, or Legolas, or one of the deux ex machina undead? They should have had Aragorn stab him in the face, and then, when the Witch King screams, "What!? No man can kill me!," Aragorn could say, "Technically, it wasn't me, but my sword that killed you!" And then everyone could have a good laugh.
1. BOROMIR: "Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him." Throughout the movie, Boromir wants to steal the ring. In the next one, Faramir nearly takes it. Why do these lummoxes from Gondor have this delusion that the "one ring" is actually going to do them any good if they take it? How do they intend to use it? Become invisible and sneak behind enemy lines to determine their "plan?"
"Sir, the spy has returned!"
"What news?"
"The enemy is on the move!"
"What is their secret plan?"
"They intend to pour hordes of orcs, goblins, and trolls into a direct frontal assault."
"My God, it's diabolical!"
But it certainly is a movie I'd like to see: a scout tries to sneak around Mordor invisible while a big flaming eye chases him, growling "I...see...you."
2. GIMLI: "You have my axe!" Is there anyone who saw this movie who did no immediately do a "Mystery Science Theater" on this line? "I mean...uh...that is to say...my other axe. The one I didn't just shatter to pieces. It's...uh...back in my tent."
3. PIPPIN: "We're coming, too!" No one questions this decision. Sure, we're on a top secret mission with a difficult journey and lots of fighting ahead of us. Let's bring two untrained hobbits who thusfar have served no purpose except to light a beacon fire so that the Ringwraiths could find us and to complain about "second breakfast." They'll get in everyone's way, make noise at the wrong times, get kidnapped, and force us to launch a rescue. It'll be great!
4. GANDALF: "Let the ring-bearer decide." So let's get this straight. Gandalf is refusing to go through the Mines of Moria because he knows the dwarves awoke a Balrog and got slaughtered, but instead of sharing this useful information, he simply leaves the decision to the clueless Frodo. Nice friend.
5. NAMELESS ORC: "Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!" I guess we don't see a certain side of orcs--the side where they dine in restaurants and know what a "menu" is. Apparently, when they're not stomping across the countryside, growling and kidnapping hobbits, orcs pop over ot the nearest Morton's and order up a nice t-bone.
Sub-blog of 10s: Things that Never Made Sense to Me about Orcs:
(10) Which are orcs, which are goblins, and which are uruk-hai?
(9) How do the emerge from the womb with full language skills?
(8) Why are Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas so excited that the orcs are "only one day" ahead of them in The Two Towers, when at the end of The Fellowship of the Ring, they were only ten minutes ahead of them?
(7) What are "goblin-men?"
(6) How are they so good at fighting when they never seem to be practicing?
(5) Why couldn't the previous versions (before Saruman) move in sunlight? The Mordor versions don't seem to have any problem with that.
(4) Are there any female orcs?
(3) How do they climb walls?
(2) If it takes the Fellowship six hours to get into the Mines, how did the orcs do it (were they just cleverer than Gandalf, the ageless wizard, at riddles)?
(1) What happened to that orc general in the last movie? He just disappears.
6. GIMLI: "Fangorn! What madness drove them in there?" Oh, I don't know. Maybe orcs trying to eat them? Maybe this big massacre going on behind them? It's just a guess.
7. ARAGORN: "Let him go. Enough blood has been spilled on his account." It's nice that Aragorn wants to be merciful and all, but "let him go?" So he can run right back to Sauron and give up intelligence on Rohan's defenses? Could you at least throw him in the dungeon or something?
8. GANDALF: "He has no power any more." This is his justification for letting Sauron live. Did I miss the part where they explained Sauron's power comes from a furace in the basement of Isengard, and the ents doused it? Why doesn't he have any power any more? Isn't he ridiculously dangerous and evil? And how did the orb thingy get to the base of the tower in the water, anyway?
9. ARAGORN: "The beacons are lit!" Two points: 1) Aragorn turns into a total spaz here. I love the way he throws down his soup and runs like a girl with his arms flapping. 2) Apparently, they don't have a "cancel" signal, because all Denelor can do is curse. Here's something Mordor should have thought of: infiltrate one of the beacons in the middle of the chain, kill the guards, and light it. Three days later, when Gondor is riding to Rohan's aid and Rohan is riding to Gondor's, you can sack both kingdoms.
10. EOWYN: "I am no man!" The prophecy was that literal? When it said "no man" could kill the Witch King, it literally meant a "man"? So a hobbit could have killed him, or Legolas, or one of the deux ex machina undead? They should have had Aragorn stab him in the face, and then, when the Witch King screams, "What!? No man can kill me!," Aragorn could say, "Technically, it wasn't me, but my sword that killed you!" And then everyone could have a good laugh.
The 10 Most Tiresome People on Earth
10. People who will tell you, no matter how bad others say something is going to be, it's actually going to be worse. When gas topped four dollars a gallon, there was no shortage of economic pundits predicting it was going to go to five by the end of the summer. When five dollars wouldn't get you on the news any more, they came out of the woodwork to say it was going to shoot up to six. And when even that became commonplace, the only way to get any attention was to say it would hit seven. Now the summer's almost over and it's back down to around $3.70, so there's a good lesson to cram it next time.
9. People who are worried about their children. Between violent movies, violent video games, sex offenders, gay teachers, Janet Jackson's exposed nipple, dangerous toys, evolution, speeding drivers, second-hand smoke, and the Internet, it must really suck to be a parent today. But if you successfully guard your kids against all these things, congratulations! The only liability they'll have is an overprotective, hysterical martinet of a parent who never shuts the hell up.
8. People who conform to the dictates of a subculture in order to "express their individuality." I'll appreciate if someone can help me find the source of a quote I read a couple of years ago in which the writer said something like, "Whenever I see a young man, with spiked hair, piercings, and tattoos, stride by me while blasting heavy metal music into his ears, I comfortably say to myself, 'there is nothing remarkable about this person.'"
7. People who get 'outraged.'" Oh, if there's one word I'd like to retire from the English language. Are people capable of no more subtle emotions? Could we be "concerned" about illegal immigration instead? Could Obama have been "disappointed" by his ex-pastor's comments? I could sympathize with Latinos being "sad, sad, so desperately sad" about this CBS report, but does there have to be shouting and fist-waving? To paraphrase Andy Rooney, "Anyone who gets outraged about something almost always loses my support by being too loud about it."
6. People who forward those idiotic e-mails about Barack Obama. Are there a lot of people out there who have access to e-mail but no Internet? Who will read a poorly-spelled, five-page diatribe suggesting that Obama is a RADICAL MUSLIM who WONT WEAR A FLAG PIN and who HATES THE NATIONAL ANTHUM, but who somehow lack the technological capability to visit Google or snopes.com for confirmation? Unbelievable wankers.
5. People excited about some new technology. They won't stop going on about Web 2.0, downloading movies to their iPods, or how much they love their TiVo. They talk incessantly about how this-or-that is going to "revolutionize" the way you do something, as if life wasn't complicated enough. Having to manage a Netflix queue and wait a couple days for one of their six-at-a-time movies is apparently too much for them; they have to have more options and they have to have them now. Sub-blog-of-tens: Ten things I'm not interested in having 'revolutionized': the way I rent movies; the way I read books; the way I listen to music; the way I get my daily news; the way I manage my 'to do' list; the way I watch TV; the way I interact with people; the way I sleep; the way I wake up in the morning; the way I invest. I just got comfortable with the previous revolutions, thank you very much.
4. People who hold to the same old exhausted slogans. I admit it: I'm a "tax-and-spend liberal" (I think it's slightly more responsible than our current crop of "don't-tax-and-yet-still-spend-spend-spend Republicans"), and yet even I can't abide "Keep your laws off my body!" (Hint: it's not about your body) any more than I can the exhortation that "It's a child, not a choice!" (technically, it's both). Does anyone still honestly think that reducing taxes stimulates the economy? Am I excluded from the American Dream because I'm not part of a "working family?" Sweet Jesus, people, get something new.
3. Tyrranical IT people. Somebody please tell me when IT became a policy and managment function rather than a support function. Who gave the IT manager the authority to determine what hardware and software we'll buy, or whether we can change the freaking date and time on our own computers? If the managers don't care if my password contains a "special character," why should anyone else? Does the janitor get to tell me where I can put my wastebasket? Can the woman who spoons out the gruel in the cafeteria put me on a diet? Then why does the IT staff get to override my request for a larger monitor that my manager approved?
2. People with ringtones. Enough is enough. Either I hate the song or I want to hear the whole thing; either way, you're a dick for making me listen to 12 seconds of it. No one's fooled into thinking you have hidden depths of hipness because a tinny version of "Jamming" emits from your pocket when your mom calls.
1. People who twitter. The lower-case is deliberate. People were twittering long before there was Twitter, as this New Yorker cartoon (used with no permission) observed in 2000. They twitter on MySpace and Facebook, on their cell phones, on IM, by e-mail... When did this breed of socially insecure people, who must be in constant contact with their friends, emerge?
9. People who are worried about their children. Between violent movies, violent video games, sex offenders, gay teachers, Janet Jackson's exposed nipple, dangerous toys, evolution, speeding drivers, second-hand smoke, and the Internet, it must really suck to be a parent today. But if you successfully guard your kids against all these things, congratulations! The only liability they'll have is an overprotective, hysterical martinet of a parent who never shuts the hell up.
8. People who conform to the dictates of a subculture in order to "express their individuality." I'll appreciate if someone can help me find the source of a quote I read a couple of years ago in which the writer said something like, "Whenever I see a young man, with spiked hair, piercings, and tattoos, stride by me while blasting heavy metal music into his ears, I comfortably say to myself, 'there is nothing remarkable about this person.'"
7. People who get 'outraged.'" Oh, if there's one word I'd like to retire from the English language. Are people capable of no more subtle emotions? Could we be "concerned" about illegal immigration instead? Could Obama have been "disappointed" by his ex-pastor's comments? I could sympathize with Latinos being "sad, sad, so desperately sad" about this CBS report, but does there have to be shouting and fist-waving? To paraphrase Andy Rooney, "Anyone who gets outraged about something almost always loses my support by being too loud about it."
6. People who forward those idiotic e-mails about Barack Obama. Are there a lot of people out there who have access to e-mail but no Internet? Who will read a poorly-spelled, five-page diatribe suggesting that Obama is a RADICAL MUSLIM who WONT WEAR A FLAG PIN and who HATES THE NATIONAL ANTHUM, but who somehow lack the technological capability to visit Google or snopes.com for confirmation? Unbelievable wankers.
5. People excited about some new technology. They won't stop going on about Web 2.0, downloading movies to their iPods, or how much they love their TiVo. They talk incessantly about how this-or-that is going to "revolutionize" the way you do something, as if life wasn't complicated enough. Having to manage a Netflix queue and wait a couple days for one of their six-at-a-time movies is apparently too much for them; they have to have more options and they have to have them now. Sub-blog-of-tens: Ten things I'm not interested in having 'revolutionized': the way I rent movies; the way I read books; the way I listen to music; the way I get my daily news; the way I manage my 'to do' list; the way I watch TV; the way I interact with people; the way I sleep; the way I wake up in the morning; the way I invest. I just got comfortable with the previous revolutions, thank you very much.
4. People who hold to the same old exhausted slogans. I admit it: I'm a "tax-and-spend liberal" (I think it's slightly more responsible than our current crop of "don't-tax-and-yet-still-spend-spend-spend Republicans"), and yet even I can't abide "Keep your laws off my body!" (Hint: it's not about your body) any more than I can the exhortation that "It's a child, not a choice!" (technically, it's both). Does anyone still honestly think that reducing taxes stimulates the economy? Am I excluded from the American Dream because I'm not part of a "working family?" Sweet Jesus, people, get something new.
3. Tyrranical IT people. Somebody please tell me when IT became a policy and managment function rather than a support function. Who gave the IT manager the authority to determine what hardware and software we'll buy, or whether we can change the freaking date and time on our own computers? If the managers don't care if my password contains a "special character," why should anyone else? Does the janitor get to tell me where I can put my wastebasket? Can the woman who spoons out the gruel in the cafeteria put me on a diet? Then why does the IT staff get to override my request for a larger monitor that my manager approved?
2. People with ringtones. Enough is enough. Either I hate the song or I want to hear the whole thing; either way, you're a dick for making me listen to 12 seconds of it. No one's fooled into thinking you have hidden depths of hipness because a tinny version of "Jamming" emits from your pocket when your mom calls.
1. People who twitter. The lower-case is deliberate. People were twittering long before there was Twitter, as this New Yorker cartoon (used with no permission) observed in 2000. They twitter on MySpace and Facebook, on their cell phones, on IM, by e-mail... When did this breed of socially insecure people, who must be in constant contact with their friends, emerge?
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