1. BOROMIR: "Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him." Throughout the movie, Boromir wants to steal the ring. In the next one, Faramir nearly takes it. Why do these lummoxes from Gondor have this delusion that the "one ring" is actually going to do them any good if they take it? How do they intend to use it? Become invisible and sneak behind enemy lines to determine their "plan?"
"Sir, the spy has returned!"
"What news?"
"The enemy is on the move!"
"What is their secret plan?"
"They intend to pour hordes of orcs, goblins, and trolls into a direct frontal assault."
"My God, it's diabolical!"
But it certainly is a movie I'd like to see: a scout tries to sneak around Mordor invisible while a big flaming eye chases him, growling "I...see...you."
2. GIMLI: "You have my axe!" Is there anyone who saw this movie who did no immediately do a "Mystery Science Theater" on this line? "I mean...uh...that is to say...my other axe. The one I didn't just shatter to pieces. It's...uh...back in my tent."
3. PIPPIN: "We're coming, too!" No one questions this decision. Sure, we're on a top secret mission with a difficult journey and lots of fighting ahead of us. Let's bring two untrained hobbits who thusfar have served no purpose except to light a beacon fire so that the Ringwraiths could find us and to complain about "second breakfast." They'll get in everyone's way, make noise at the wrong times, get kidnapped, and force us to launch a rescue. It'll be great!
4. GANDALF: "Let the ring-bearer decide." So let's get this straight. Gandalf is refusing to go through the Mines of Moria because he knows the dwarves awoke a Balrog and got slaughtered, but instead of sharing this useful information, he simply leaves the decision to the clueless Frodo. Nice friend.
5. NAMELESS ORC: "Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys!" I guess we don't see a certain side of orcs--the side where they dine in restaurants and know what a "menu" is. Apparently, when they're not stomping across the countryside, growling and kidnapping hobbits, orcs pop over ot the nearest Morton's and order up a nice t-bone.
Sub-blog of 10s: Things that Never Made Sense to Me about Orcs:
(10) Which are orcs, which are goblins, and which are uruk-hai?
(9) How do the emerge from the womb with full language skills?
(8) Why are Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas so excited that the orcs are "only one day" ahead of them in The Two Towers, when at the end of The Fellowship of the Ring, they were only ten minutes ahead of them?
(7) What are "goblin-men?"
(6) How are they so good at fighting when they never seem to be practicing?
(5) Why couldn't the previous versions (before Saruman) move in sunlight? The Mordor versions don't seem to have any problem with that.
(4) Are there any female orcs?
(3) How do they climb walls?
(2) If it takes the Fellowship six hours to get into the Mines, how did the orcs do it (were they just cleverer than Gandalf, the ageless wizard, at riddles)?
(1) What happened to that orc general in the last movie? He just disappears.
6. GIMLI: "Fangorn! What madness drove them in there?" Oh, I don't know. Maybe orcs trying to eat them? Maybe this big massacre going on behind them? It's just a guess.
7. ARAGORN: "Let him go. Enough blood has been spilled on his account." It's nice that Aragorn wants to be merciful and all, but "let him go?" So he can run right back to Sauron and give up intelligence on Rohan's defenses? Could you at least throw him in the dungeon or something?
8. GANDALF: "He has no power any more." This is his justification for letting Sauron live. Did I miss the part where they explained Sauron's power comes from a furace in the basement of Isengard, and the ents doused it? Why doesn't he have any power any more? Isn't he ridiculously dangerous and evil? And how did the orb thingy get to the base of the tower in the water, anyway?
9. ARAGORN: "The beacons are lit!" Two points: 1) Aragorn turns into a total spaz here. I love the way he throws down his soup and runs like a girl with his arms flapping. 2) Apparently, they don't have a "cancel" signal, because all Denelor can do is curse. Here's something Mordor should have thought of: infiltrate one of the beacons in the middle of the chain, kill the guards, and light it. Three days later, when Gondor is riding to Rohan's aid and Rohan is riding to Gondor's, you can sack both kingdoms.
10. EOWYN: "I am no man!" The prophecy was that literal? When it said "no man" could kill the Witch King, it literally meant a "man"? So a hobbit could have killed him, or Legolas, or one of the deux ex machina undead? They should have had Aragorn stab him in the face, and then, when the Witch King screams, "What!? No man can kill me!," Aragorn could say, "Technically, it wasn't me, but my sword that killed you!" And then everyone could have a good laugh.
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