10. People who will tell you, no matter how bad others say something is going to be, it's actually going to be worse. When gas topped four dollars a gallon, there was no shortage of economic pundits predicting it was going to go to five by the end of the summer. When five dollars wouldn't get you on the news any more, they came out of the woodwork to say it was going to shoot up to six. And when even that became commonplace, the only way to get any attention was to say it would hit seven. Now the summer's almost over and it's back down to around $3.70, so there's a good lesson to cram it next time.
9. People who are worried about their children. Between violent movies, violent video games, sex offenders, gay teachers, Janet Jackson's exposed nipple, dangerous toys, evolution, speeding drivers, second-hand smoke, and the Internet, it must really suck to be a parent today. But if you successfully guard your kids against all these things, congratulations! The only liability they'll have is an overprotective, hysterical martinet of a parent who never shuts the hell up.
8. People who conform to the dictates of a subculture in order to "express their individuality." I'll appreciate if someone can help me find the source of a quote I read a couple of years ago in which the writer said something like, "Whenever I see a young man, with spiked hair, piercings, and tattoos, stride by me while blasting heavy metal music into his ears, I comfortably say to myself, 'there is nothing remarkable about this person.'"
7. People who get 'outraged.'" Oh, if there's one word I'd like to retire from the English language. Are people capable of no more subtle emotions? Could we be "concerned" about illegal immigration instead? Could Obama have been "disappointed" by his ex-pastor's comments? I could sympathize with Latinos being "sad, sad, so desperately sad" about this CBS report, but does there have to be shouting and fist-waving? To paraphrase Andy Rooney, "Anyone who gets outraged about something almost always loses my support by being too loud about it."
6. People who forward those idiotic e-mails about Barack Obama. Are there a lot of people out there who have access to e-mail but no Internet? Who will read a poorly-spelled, five-page diatribe suggesting that Obama is a RADICAL MUSLIM who WONT WEAR A FLAG PIN and who HATES THE NATIONAL ANTHUM, but who somehow lack the technological capability to visit Google or snopes.com for confirmation? Unbelievable wankers.
5. People excited about some new technology. They won't stop going on about Web 2.0, downloading movies to their iPods, or how much they love their TiVo. They talk incessantly about how this-or-that is going to "revolutionize" the way you do something, as if life wasn't complicated enough. Having to manage a Netflix queue and wait a couple days for one of their six-at-a-time movies is apparently too much for them; they have to have more options and they have to have them now. Sub-blog-of-tens: Ten things I'm not interested in having 'revolutionized': the way I rent movies; the way I read books; the way I listen to music; the way I get my daily news; the way I manage my 'to do' list; the way I watch TV; the way I interact with people; the way I sleep; the way I wake up in the morning; the way I invest. I just got comfortable with the previous revolutions, thank you very much.
4. People who hold to the same old exhausted slogans. I admit it: I'm a "tax-and-spend liberal" (I think it's slightly more responsible than our current crop of "don't-tax-and-yet-still-spend-spend-spend Republicans"), and yet even I can't abide "Keep your laws off my body!" (Hint: it's not about your body) any more than I can the exhortation that "It's a child, not a choice!" (technically, it's both). Does anyone still honestly think that reducing taxes stimulates the economy? Am I excluded from the American Dream because I'm not part of a "working family?" Sweet Jesus, people, get something new.
3. Tyrranical IT people. Somebody please tell me when IT became a policy and managment function rather than a support function. Who gave the IT manager the authority to determine what hardware and software we'll buy, or whether we can change the freaking date and time on our own computers? If the managers don't care if my password contains a "special character," why should anyone else? Does the janitor get to tell me where I can put my wastebasket? Can the woman who spoons out the gruel in the cafeteria put me on a diet? Then why does the IT staff get to override my request for a larger monitor that my manager approved?
2. People with ringtones. Enough is enough. Either I hate the song or I want to hear the whole thing; either way, you're a dick for making me listen to 12 seconds of it. No one's fooled into thinking you have hidden depths of hipness because a tinny version of "Jamming" emits from your pocket when your mom calls.
1. People who twitter. The lower-case is deliberate. People were twittering long before there was Twitter, as this New Yorker cartoon (used with no permission) observed in 2000. They twitter on MySpace and Facebook, on their cell phones, on IM, by e-mail... When did this breed of socially insecure people, who must be in constant contact with their friends, emerge?
9. People who are worried about their children. Between violent movies, violent video games, sex offenders, gay teachers, Janet Jackson's exposed nipple, dangerous toys, evolution, speeding drivers, second-hand smoke, and the Internet, it must really suck to be a parent today. But if you successfully guard your kids against all these things, congratulations! The only liability they'll have is an overprotective, hysterical martinet of a parent who never shuts the hell up.
8. People who conform to the dictates of a subculture in order to "express their individuality." I'll appreciate if someone can help me find the source of a quote I read a couple of years ago in which the writer said something like, "Whenever I see a young man, with spiked hair, piercings, and tattoos, stride by me while blasting heavy metal music into his ears, I comfortably say to myself, 'there is nothing remarkable about this person.'"
7. People who get 'outraged.'" Oh, if there's one word I'd like to retire from the English language. Are people capable of no more subtle emotions? Could we be "concerned" about illegal immigration instead? Could Obama have been "disappointed" by his ex-pastor's comments? I could sympathize with Latinos being "sad, sad, so desperately sad" about this CBS report, but does there have to be shouting and fist-waving? To paraphrase Andy Rooney, "Anyone who gets outraged about something almost always loses my support by being too loud about it."
6. People who forward those idiotic e-mails about Barack Obama. Are there a lot of people out there who have access to e-mail but no Internet? Who will read a poorly-spelled, five-page diatribe suggesting that Obama is a RADICAL MUSLIM who WONT WEAR A FLAG PIN and who HATES THE NATIONAL ANTHUM, but who somehow lack the technological capability to visit Google or snopes.com for confirmation? Unbelievable wankers.
5. People excited about some new technology. They won't stop going on about Web 2.0, downloading movies to their iPods, or how much they love their TiVo. They talk incessantly about how this-or-that is going to "revolutionize" the way you do something, as if life wasn't complicated enough. Having to manage a Netflix queue and wait a couple days for one of their six-at-a-time movies is apparently too much for them; they have to have more options and they have to have them now. Sub-blog-of-tens: Ten things I'm not interested in having 'revolutionized': the way I rent movies; the way I read books; the way I listen to music; the way I get my daily news; the way I manage my 'to do' list; the way I watch TV; the way I interact with people; the way I sleep; the way I wake up in the morning; the way I invest. I just got comfortable with the previous revolutions, thank you very much.
4. People who hold to the same old exhausted slogans. I admit it: I'm a "tax-and-spend liberal" (I think it's slightly more responsible than our current crop of "don't-tax-and-yet-still-spend-spend-spend Republicans"), and yet even I can't abide "Keep your laws off my body!" (Hint: it's not about your body) any more than I can the exhortation that "It's a child, not a choice!" (technically, it's both). Does anyone still honestly think that reducing taxes stimulates the economy? Am I excluded from the American Dream because I'm not part of a "working family?" Sweet Jesus, people, get something new.
3. Tyrranical IT people. Somebody please tell me when IT became a policy and managment function rather than a support function. Who gave the IT manager the authority to determine what hardware and software we'll buy, or whether we can change the freaking date and time on our own computers? If the managers don't care if my password contains a "special character," why should anyone else? Does the janitor get to tell me where I can put my wastebasket? Can the woman who spoons out the gruel in the cafeteria put me on a diet? Then why does the IT staff get to override my request for a larger monitor that my manager approved?
2. People with ringtones. Enough is enough. Either I hate the song or I want to hear the whole thing; either way, you're a dick for making me listen to 12 seconds of it. No one's fooled into thinking you have hidden depths of hipness because a tinny version of "Jamming" emits from your pocket when your mom calls.
1. People who twitter. The lower-case is deliberate. People were twittering long before there was Twitter, as this New Yorker cartoon (used with no permission) observed in 2000. They twitter on MySpace and Facebook, on their cell phones, on IM, by e-mail... When did this breed of socially insecure people, who must be in constant contact with their friends, emerge?
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